who can say what time dreams come to you whether it is early -to-mid-morning or in between.What i do know is that i had one of "those"dreams.Where you absolutely start to beleive that you have fallen into an alternate reality,and one that is so deep rooted and filled with a happiness long gone-no-less-cherished.Gone.simple.But,it was there,in todd-0-rama abd tactile so much so that i feaked out.Let me spill the beans,i dreampt of my "ex" Richard and the relationship ended some ten years ago now.Yea i hear ya..long time eh? and it is so frustratingly painful still ,especially when you dream that you're laying next to them.,which i did,we were in bed faced apart and i reached over and just held his hand which is always nearly placed on his hip.he clasped mine gently but with strength and said something like..'im not asleep..i love you."it was a moment that i felt such hap[piness in and then the lucid part crept in an dsuddenly i thought.."no" this isnt right and i was angry and sad at the knowledge i was dreaming only,for i felt so deep into this other realm and i felt everything even smelled him ,the sheets ,the room the familiar.Fuck i miss him still.I dont know how much longer i can keep up this loneliness.My pills feel awful and i cannot concentrate well.forever berating myself for the past an dfor being a "failure"where do dreams go???how do we come full stop??is it just a choice??i guess so.all i know i si miss touch,warmth,hugging holding hands..love pure and fucking simple.i miss beingloved and just "being"i had this little thing back then in the day that i "captured"moments..let me explain..i always knew time passed too quickly and moments like being with richard i "recorded"and kept in store.beleiving that if i did so it would be forever with me.that moment .that time and space where everything stops and then it whirls out of perspective...time doesnt heal folks.it merely band-aids.
Do we get a second chance???i hope so.my time hasnt ended yet.i hope.i want so much.i want to keep going.Mental and physical illness is a struggle right now.
xo - Tally