to hades with tiffany's,one should breakfast like a godess every morning and with that intro that ,amongst my deep set blue funk is the one thing i remember about being "young" and full of the spark of life as it were.That indominable spirit that seems to shout ..i am here and every minute every hour is sacrosant and its forever.wel it's not and i am feeling the brunt of loserville in my head and time seems to trickle by at an alarming rate.
Above all i invoke images and "memoy clips"of my life and the heels at breakfast came to me like a crashing thud saying'yes that was you,funny ,and effervescent,young and ever willing to be myself at all costs..even if it meant throwing on an art deco robe slipping into black heels and sashaying to the kitchen.Brewing my stronger than strong italian coffee and warming a croissant.This is my memore -clip and my bf. at the time was aghast at such "feminine" silliness.Now i feel utterly void and knee deep in a loss of self.
I cannot seem to write to read but somehow i paint.albeit sparingly and devoid of passioni long for those heels and perhaps its a metaphor for looking ever back at who i was and needing that paul back again.not this shell of a person that is zombified on drugs and wallowing in my own stench of self-pity and illnesses.For sometime i've had hep c and learned to live withit but i feel that accompanied with mental illness is taking a large toll and methinks the meds are not helping.Not smoking or drinking has helped but now im informed that im "bleeding'from somewhere and my heomogloben tests are extremely low.well that sounds utterly fab!now i apprently need an intrusive colonoscopy to look forward to(not exactly the sort of intrusion one looks forward to)
Well i have digressed,its a combination of not havingwritten for some time and not creating!i dont know how to cope,i see life ebbing by and me not "init"a sort os comfortable -ennui has entrenched itself and made a nest of my psyche.dang that luvox!! i am changing meds methinks and get back to a paul that was a tad more creative.i need"me"back.
that girly fag boy who ate breakfast with heels needs to sauter back into exhistence and soon!
I HOPE my post wasnt far too banal or self -pitious.if anythingwhy not just "share"instead of letting the pain and the dark win.Sounds cliched but i feel like an utter lost person.a failure.im neither a writer a well known painter or accomplished much except letting time fly by.im alone and feel frightened of mortality.human nes pas.geesh ok i must stop or i will just be ventilating and not very well at that.
Lets just put this down as a first in an awakening journal ,the heels queen cometh!!!
love.the princess of the void...oh the anguish oh the heartache!! at least i tak ethe piss! its a great way of coping an dsurviving loneliness....
